Friday, January 04, 2008

This post is dedicated to my mom.

I hate my family, I fucking hate my mom, and I wished that I wasn’t born in this family. Call me whatever you want, I’m just being honest to myself and I’m just expressing my thoughts. I don’t know why things would turn out this way, but it did. I can only thank my two elder brothers who fucking appear in my life before me. They were showered with love, care and concern. And me, they pretended as if I’m invincible. I’m always the rotten one in the family. No one in my family ever would think that I am good in anything. Oh wait, they never considered me as good. They were never appreciative of me.

My mom never had trust in me and I fucking hate her to the core. I wished that I never had her as my mom. I don’t know why, she always shout at me, order me around, scold me for no reason, slap my face when I tried to clarify myself and always complain to my dad if there were to be a fight between us. And of course, she would say I’m being rude, I’m being unfilial and I’m such an irritant. Every single word that came out from her mouth has never made me feel motivated or feel that I belonged to this family. I’ve never been praised or commended or felt appreciated in the things I did.

Complain to my dad? I won’t stoop so low as her as to complain everything to my dad. I’m 17 plus, and turning 18 in a few months time. Am I not fucking old enough to make my own decisions? Am I not old enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong? Everyday, I had to be cooped in my room, and let another day go to waste. Nobody in the house knows what I’m feeling. Even my grandmother who shares the same room as me doesn’t care about what I’m feeling. She’s just a pain in the ass.

Oh yeah, my rival in the family have always been my second eldest brother. I don’t hate him then, but somehow, my mom makes me hate him now. Why, you ask? Basically because he is one fucking smart ass that manages to go to Junior College and now all the local universities in Singapore wants him. He is one fucking clever shit, and my mom dotes on him a lot. Why again, you ask? Because he had never been scolded by my parents, never been hit, and have always been in their good books. My mom appreciates everything he does, and even just a little clearing up the house, he will be treated as if he’s in heaven. And now, I wished that he never appear in my life.

My mom always compared him to me, and states all the good points that he has, and all the bad points that I have. Isn’t that unfair? She has always wanted me to become like him, but I’m not him, and I can’t be him. Is it so difficult to understand what are my needs and wants? Yes, I’m saying this again. I FUCKING HATE YOU MOM.

Everyone in the house is practically strangers to each other. Everybody does their own work, and my mom, since she just recovered from her leg accident, she takes advantage of it by asking me to do merely all the housework in the house, while she sat down in front of the computer, playing games. Smart huh? Unfortunately, not at all.

And yeah, issues about going out. This always happens, whereby she always find a million and one reasons forbidding me to go out. And what I can say that her level of trust in me is super low until a micrometre screw gauge is unable to measure it. Yes, that fucking low. I need to do so many things in the house and then she will let me go out. And if my brother, he doesn’t even need to wipe the dust and he gets to go out. Talking about this, my curfew time is fucking pathetic. I need to be home by 10, and if not I would be locked out of the house. How I wished that I wouldn’t have to go home forever, I wouldn’t have to live in hatred and sorrows.

But then, as far as I wanted not to go, I need to, because again, I’m still young and I’m under her responsibility. Blah blah blah. This has always been the reason I’m going home. Yes, I’m being super unfilial here, but I don’t care, I’m just typing down my thoughts.

And yeah, that’s the end of the post. I hope my mom reads it and is aware that I hate her to the fucking core. I blocked her in MSN by the way, because she loves to appear offline and check out on my nick and personal message. Two words, FUCKING DISGUSTING.
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