sierra alpha delta ):

I'm quite saddened by the turn of events that happened today. My granns just admitted to hospital under the Coronary Care Unit(CCU). And, it really seems so surreal that it was during the last week that she was in my room, looking perfectly fine.

Doctor's diagnosis was that her heart wasn't functioning too good, and is susceptible to heart failure, anytime. Looking at her, with the oxygen nose tube hanging at her nose in between her ears, really pierced my heart. The feeling of sorry as well as guilt build up within me. Only God knows what I was feeling at that time.

----

I want to be able to stand still with my arms wide open with the wind blowing against me and just not think about anything and everything. I want to be able to hear the silence once again. I want to be able to be in the state of solitude.

Give me the solitude. Give me the freedom. Give me the sense of being free from anything and everything please.

I'm in real need of my friends' hugs, listening to them rant, bitch and just about anything and everything.


I'm tired. I'm really really tired):


Tomorrow's another day. I hope I'll be strong for what lies ahead of me. 

time of my life.

Time really does pass you by when you're not noticing it.

That set me thinking while I was busy cleaning my room just now. Thinking about how my friend just celebrated her 20th birthday last week, set me back to reality that most of my friends are growing older - as in ageing with age? Errr, okay, that sounded wrong. They just are getting on the years not like how the old people are but in the sense that most of them are hitting the big 20!

I mean, soon, I'll be that age, and I'm NOT even prepared to age, much less 20!! I still think I'm 16 for heaven's sake! Still think I'm in secondary school, preparing for the Os and still thinking of wearing my school uniform and shoes, still thinks of going to the canteen, and also looking forward to taking the bus just in case that "special" somebody is on the bus with you.

Haha. Those were the days and I'm still stuck there. Though, I've like a Diploma cert waiting for me at the end of next year, I still feel, I need to do more, accomplish more, experience more. More what? I have no idea.

Around me, I can see many of my friends leaving for overseas, either for studies, or holidays, so even thinking of migration. And yes, I guess, everyone's growing more mature and wiser by the moment, waiting to take on life by the reins.

Me?

Well, *thinks for a moment* I have no idea. I have all these plans and yes, I'm sure they're good, but sometimes, you get the feeling that it'll not last you know? Like, its the "Before you know it, you're married with kids...", "Before you know it, you're hitting the big 50..."

Frankly, I'm scared shitless of what the future may hold for me. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to face it. I mean, it'll be nice to be able to share these thoughts with that special someone. Making plans and such. Talking about the possibilities of a possibility. Working towards that goal together. Having ambitious careers and plans together. It'll so be nice to have someone to share them, not just parents. But yeah, I suppose, it'll be different with that special someone.

I'm trying to forget the fact that I want somebody special cos apparently, it doesn't seem to come to me.

I often asked the most random stuff to my one of my close friends and we ended laughing and jesting how our family may not just have the luck in love. Too head-strong and too career minded to think about love and stuff. I mean, seriously, its like of ALL the cousins in my family, like only ONE who is in his early twenties and is married. That too, there are some complications.

And the rest? I guess, they're just like me. I think. LOL!

Okay, I've to go now. Till tomorrow, see ya! (:

almost. 

I nearly fainted in the bus while on the way home today.






soooo much for greentea and snickers for the day. grrrrrr

*insert whole list of vulgarities here*

It's the epitome of the worst and upmost terrible Wednesday I've had. And that spells F-U-C-K. ahhh, damn it.

ANYWAY,

sometimes, it pays to have really really grrrrrreeaat friends who takes the initiative to cheer you up, even if they have to travel just to cheer you up in the most simplest ways possible.

As low as I was feeling, you are like my Prince in his black armour to come to save me of what's left of me. I didn't regret taking up your offer at the LAST minute to chill at your house - you still remembered me! You're such a sweetie. It was indeed a fantastic evening, not to mention the MEGA MAC and fries. Yum yum. And not forgetting the company - YOU! You really cheered me up and talking all the funny things, especially the STOMP thingy. :D

Also, a shout out to my mighty redranger! Gosh, I think you're like one of the best listeners I've ever met in my whole entire life. No kidding! If not for you, I would had left long time ago. Plus, I really enjoyed gossiping about Nick's hairstyle, and how hot he is in the MVs! Sooo, thank you very muccchh! :D

I guess that's for tonight. I'm beat but yet, an odd feeling of satisfaction still lingers on. And, I'm still smiling away despite the not-so-good day I had earlier.

Thanks a million purple, l3ella and mighty redranger(:


Till then, bloop away.

life's reflection.

There are at times when amidst friends and people whether in school or anywhere I am,I always feel alone. I'm not sure why. But, it's like people are going about in their lives and here I am, seeing or rather looking at them in a different view. Like standing outside their window and staring in.

How I wish that I'm not walking home alone home from school. How I'm not going to the library alone to find comfort in the silence and the solitude. How I know I'm not going to eat breakfast at Delifrance alone. How I wish, there'll be that phone call or message that I'm waiting for. How I wish...


It's a wonderful feeling to be alone; to be away from the rest. Then again, sorrows and loneliness could be overpowering them.


But wishes are wishes and they'll always remain that way. They have been that way since the beginning of time, and it'll remain the same for the next lifetimes to come. Sometimes you wish that there is something else than home-school-home-school. And you just hope that there is something to look forward to other than being such a school junkie. Someone whom you can talk to on the phone at night, be it mindless chatter or just talk. Someone who believes in you when others won't. Someone whom you know will be at the other end, just waiting to hear you out. Just someone.

I'm keeping to myself lately these few days. I don't know why, but I am. What for to speak your mind out when nobody listens. They always hear you, but never listen. I'm just too tired. It's easier to go with the flow like a jellyfish and have someone take over the reigns once in a while. It sucks major big time, but it's a break for me.

Someone asked me lately, "Are you and ______(person's name) close friends?" Thinking about it, I figured out that my definition of that is very deep. And I think I do not have any "close friends" at all. It doesn't mean that if I spend most of my time with a certain person, that doesn't automatically make us close. To me, it holds a deeper level of understanding and commitment.

I'm just so worn out during the week, and I'm even worn out over the weekend, either way, I'm thoroughly worn out. Prolly that's why I keep to myself much these days. Three upcoming UTs, spread all for the week.(thank god one's down) You know, I'm just gonna stop everything and just have an early night for tonight. I'm tired. I'm so tired, I can just break down and cry =(

Well, I'm such a miserable person, no? Yeah, I guess some things does that to you.

the other side of life.


I've realized that I'm writing more and more on the down side of life lately. I'm not sure why I'm coming up with such posts.

I'm quite envious when I read friends' blogs and they seem to have the life that I want or rather the life that I can only plan but only hope that it might go well. How I envy them who still have the time of day to spend time with their friends and go shopping, well, do anything not related to school. How I envy them with such good time management. And how I feel sick to the bone not being able to live that line too.

I don't like having the feeling that while doing something else, I'm being or constantly bound to school. I'm not gonna lie and say that life's great and such. It's not. It's tough and I'm scared as if I'm standing at the edge of the plank - with any sudden movement, and I'm thrown off board. The feeling where you constantly have to make sure you're at least on par with everyone else. the feeling that you have to know or understand a concept, a chapter, a fomula to avoid the impression that you are lagging behind.

I'm always looking foward to the weekends more than I'm looking forward to the school week, much less time with my friends. Yeah, even when I'm out with friends, I still think about school. I think about the upcoming UTs that have yet to finished. I think about the revision that I could have done. I think about the all the school stuff that I have to post online. Half the time I'm looking at my watch and hope that it'll end soon, and half the time, I want it to never end. I want the feel of having to do something relating to school. I feel so guilty of the many many conflicting thoughts that are constantly running in my head. Part of me want to just have fun, good social fun. But the other part of me stands firm on the things that I have to do. I can't possibly stay at home and be devoted to purely academic life.

Tried as I might, I do want to update on something exciting, something positive for once. but I can't bring myself to do it. It's hard not to say the things that are just right in front of your face. It's easy for someone to tell you, "You need to get out. Have fun. Let your hair down." And it's also hard to actually apply the concept to reality.

I suppose it's the semester that's been getting at everyone. And like everyone, I guess, we're keeping a strong front that we're managing well however badly we're crumbling on the inside. Trying to make stay the crumbles that are falling apart and trying to pick up the fallen crumbles.

A three week break is coming and it's like just right round the corner. Usually, I'll be planning what to do, who would be involved and such. How I miss that girl who always looks forward to the holidays she'll have and her generous spirit to share the joy to family and friends. And now, I see myself trying hard to get down and over with. Not exactly the attitude I am hoping for. But, it's a break, and well, I think I deserve to have that eagerness to celebrate and welcome it.

Till then, all the best for the upcoming UTs.




The question is whether I'll be able to detach myself from school life and actually live the life outside school.

true.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster
 
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
it's time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!

I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

For the service of mankind.

A very big thank you to mr. redranger(: and my super duper cool kan-chiong spider bee friend.

With lots of love,
-nurul

KA-CHING !

 

HAHA! Okay, I was pondering lately on the things that I wanted to buy. Then again, everytime I think of this, I would be reminded of Randy Pausch's brick walls. As a matter of fact, I made myself a little more confused, and kept procrastinating on buying the items. 

Yes, I know and am aware that I'd already spent a bomb on online shopping, but I've stopped, for the time being at least. 

EDIT- 

OKay, I just realised that I spent more than $400 online. =X The last thing I bought was a pair of Old Navy jeans shorts. That was seriously not my fault. REALLY LAA.  It was on sale! 70% SALE! Who wouldn't want to miss right? 

*evil laughs*

Anyhoo, I hereby pronounce officially bankrupt! =(

cya! (YOU ALL DON'T TEMPT ME AH!)

Lying on my bed.
With nothing to read.(my books aren't ready for collection! =\)
Nothing to watch.
And no one to talk to. (there is lah, but lazy-.-)


And I can't help but feel Free from the threat..
of something I can't quite put my finger on.

I hate how time takes away all the details
and leaves you with so little. 

I don't know what makes me the way I am. I always end up not recognizing significant moments of my life while they're happening. I grow complacent with things or ideas or people. And I take them for granted. And its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from me that I realize how much it really matters.
That I realize how much I really need it; how much I love it.

 

 

On a side note, here's a little conversation of me and ANdyStorm. (click click)

That's so cute of him right? LOL. 

See ya! (:

I saw familiar faces lately, I wonder why.

Red bull isn't working, Black Coffee doesn't help, what now?


TIREDWEARYEXHAUSTEDWORNOUTDRAINEDFATIGUEANDSHATTERED.

Oh, I need rest. cya. =(

Status: Annoyed.
Status: Mad.
Status: Pissed!

Here's a little fact about myself: I don't sleep much nowadays. I stayed up late until the wee hours in the morning. Not because I don't want to, it's only that my body I guess kinda rejects it. So when I actually do sleep; like every other person in this world, I appreciate some peace and quiet.

But NOOO!

My dad walks in, to get some needles and thread to sew his pants.
My mom storms in, helping my dad, and made a commotion about it TWICE!
My granny comes in and out (okay, she does that everytime cos she shares the room with me -.-) and keep humming non-stop for no reason!

So finally, I decided that I'm going to hang a big sign on my door that says:

I'm Sleeping, Have some Respect.

But what I really wish I could hang goes something like:

I'm Sleeping, So FUCK OFF!!

Now wouldn't that be fun? But I think if I wrote something like that; my mom would immediately take me to a shrink, saying that I probably have some major unresolved anger issues. (which I don't, but am already showing some I suppose)

Hmm that makes me wonder.. Do I? No, my only problem is that I think and I think and I think and I analyze shit and I really need to take a break from analyzing shit and people.

So as a result to all of the above of course I woke up early this morning, and decided that instead of sitting at home and doing nothing (and by nothing I mean lay down and do nothing of course) that I should go to out and have a jog, and just you know run for the sake of it.

But in the end, I didn't, cos the weather's too good to have such a looooongg nice nap. (after the whole incident was over of course).


p/s: I just realised my post(s) have been dull and wordy lately, but heck! =X