Sunday, November 23, 2008

the other side of life.

I've realized that I'm writing more and more on the down side of life lately. I'm not sure why I'm coming up with such posts.

I'm quite envious when I read friends' blogs and they seem to have the life that I want or rather the life that I can only plan but only hope that it might go well. How I envy them who still have the time of day to spend time with their friends and go shopping, well, do anything not related to school. How I envy them with such good time management. And how I feel sick to the bone not being able to live that line too.

I don't like having the feeling that while doing something else, I'm being or constantly bound to school. I'm not gonna lie and say that life's great and such. It's not. It's tough and I'm scared as if I'm standing at the edge of the plank - with any sudden movement, and I'm thrown off board. The feeling where you constantly have to make sure you're at least on par with everyone else. the feeling that you have to know or understand a concept, a chapter, a fomula to avoid the impression that you are lagging behind.

I'm always looking foward to the weekends more than I'm looking forward to the school week, much less time with my friends. Yeah, even when I'm out with friends, I still think about school. I think about the upcoming UTs that have yet to finished. I think about the revision that I could have done. I think about the all the school stuff that I have to post online. Half the time I'm looking at my watch and hope that it'll end soon, and half the time, I want it to never end. I want the feel of having to do something relating to school. I feel so guilty of the many many conflicting thoughts that are constantly running in my head. Part of me want to just have fun, good social fun. But the other part of me stands firm on the things that I have to do. I can't possibly stay at home and be devoted to purely academic life.

Tried as I might, I do want to update on something exciting, something positive for once. but I can't bring myself to do it. It's hard not to say the things that are just right in front of your face. It's easy for someone to tell you, "You need to get out. Have fun. Let your hair down." And it's also hard to actually apply the concept to reality.

I suppose it's the semester that's been getting at everyone. And like everyone, I guess, we're keeping a strong front that we're managing well however badly we're crumbling on the inside. Trying to make stay the crumbles that are falling apart and trying to pick up the fallen crumbles.

A three week break is coming and it's like just right round the corner. Usually, I'll be planning what to do, who would be involved and such. How I miss that girl who always looks forward to the holidays she'll have and her generous spirit to share the joy to family and friends. And now, I see myself trying hard to get down and over with. Not exactly the attitude I am hoping for. But, it's a break, and well, I think I deserve to have that eagerness to celebrate and welcome it.

Till then, all the best for the upcoming UTs.

The question is whether I'll be able to detach myself from school life and actually live the life outside school.
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