Wednesday, December 03, 2008

natural justice?

Something lead me thinking about many times where I've been most giving and the times when I'm suppose to be the receiver, well, it just wasn't.

I'm nothing the sort where I expect something in return, hell, I gave up on that after some bad memories. But sometimes, when certain dates do come around, well, sometimes, you just want to go ahead and help just to make it a more wonderful day for that extra special person.

But but but...

When I look back at the years that they forgot, well, sometimes, it brings me down to the cold harsh reality NOT to hope anything cause firstly, words are ONLY words. They don't make actions come true. Unless of course, work is being put into it. Secondly, if you hope too much, it'll only end up hurting yourself, crying over something that won't even come true. Thirdly, it really reminds one how insignificant one can be treated especially by people you call your circle in which you roam.

So, it set me thinking whether do people whom you consider in your circle actually wear a disguise? I mean, my so called "ex-best friend", wore one. I think she would literally forget me once she's done with school or rather, when we meet, there'll be some form of awkwardness and there'll be forced conversation asking about the most mundane things.

I didn't say I was the perfect friend. I didn't say I don't wear masks or disguises. You know, in class I'm different; at home I'm different; and outside I'm different too. But sometimes, I feel as if I have given way too much and when it's actually my turn to receive, there's only hurt and disappointment. Of course, the hurt and disappointment doesn't linger nor does it lasts long but sometimes, it does come back to remind me what in reality happened and that with my adding the extra leg of effort, it just doesn't seem fair at times.

I guess, what a friend has been telling me, is painfully true. But no matter what, I've learnt not to expect from people cause I may never know when they may go breaking my hopes and the only thing to expect from them are the hurt, betrayal and utter disappointment that comes with them. I've learnt how to open myself to them and certainly, shutting myself away will be automatic. Why waste so much of my effort, when it comes to my time, I won't be receiving the red carpet treatment?


come and save me from this field of uncertainty, will you?
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